Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Thankful for Marcia and the Birth of a New Me!

Today, I'm thankful for Marcia and all the joy she has brought to our family! She has a love for life and never wants the party to end! There is never a dull moment with her and when she isn't around we realize how boring our life would be without her! She isn't afraid to say what is on her mind or to try anything! She loves people and they love her! She already has the type of personality that can walk in a room and light it up by just being in it.

Marica's pregnancy, not only brought this amazing girl into our life, it also gave birth to a new me! Before and during my pregnancy, God was defiantly trying to get my attention, but I wasn't ready to listen. I was changing very slowly but I wasn't ready to totally give up the life I was living. I don’t really know why because the life I was living was making me miserable! It was what I knew and I was afraid of change or I should say changing myself. Also, I was afraid of what other people may think of me. Silly, that I would sacrifice peace and joy for the opinions of others. (Funny thing is those people I was afraid would talk about me where talking and laughing at me anyway. I might was well live the life I was intended to live and quite worrying about others.) I believed in God and knew Jesus but I wasn’t ready to live for him.
On one summer day when I was about 5 months pregnant, I was outside playing with the kids. A neighbor who lives around the block from me, stopped in front of my house and said something very rude. This person was someone, at this point in my life, I couldn’t stand. She made my skin crawl and now she was living down the street from me! I felt like I was living Desperate Housewives! After she said what she said to me, I through a fit! Lets just say the words that came out of my mouth were anything but nice! I even told her to get out of the car! Now, thinking about this makes me laugh because what in the heck was I going to do. Here I am a grown adult and pregnant and wanting to kick some butt!!! How ridiculous!!! She drove away and I through my water bottle at her car!! My blood pressure must of been sky high and as I was getting ready to walk in the house and call everyone one I knew and replay what just happened over and over again in my head and keep the fire going, I looked over my shoulder and saw my five year old daughter and three year old son looking at me. I never felt so dumb and embarrassed before in my life. Everything I was teaching them about respect, love and forgiveness I might as well thrown out the window. It doesn't matter what I say. its how I live my life that will make the most impact on their life. At that moment I knew something needed to change in me.

Looking in the mirror and taking a deep look at ourselves is not easy. Its so much easier to point our finger and blame everyone else and that was exactly what I was doing. It couldn’t possibly be me. It had to be everyone else! Wrong, it was me! I began to realize the only person I could change was me. As I began to look in the mirror I saw my imperfections. The wrinkles, pimples ( don't ask me how I still get pimples in my 30's!!!), and the beginning of gray hair. Most of all, I saw the person I never wanted to become. What happened to the girl who had so many dreams? Why was I holding on so many hurts, disappointments, grudges and insecurities? Why didn't I truly love the person God created? Why was I so angry at my husband? What happened to the marriage I dreamed of having but instead was slowly loosing? Why couldn't I ever be happy with what I had? The list goes on and on.

I'm thankful God began to open my eyes and helped change me. I've learned that we are co-creators with God. He has so much more planned for our life, but we have to be ready to do our work too. I was so use to comparing myself to others that I really didn't think there was anything wrong with me. Seriously, you don't have to look hard to see the world has so many crazy people, even in the church too! I thought I wasn't doing anything horrible, so it was all good! But I began to see what God was seeing. Yes, he loves us and wants more for us ,but until he can wash away all the crap that holds us back, we can truly never be the person God has called us to be.

As I began to look at myself, I forgave and make peace with the person who I couldn’t stand and many other people and experiences I’ve had. But, most importantly, I forgave myself! ( I will write about forgiveness at a later time! Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with you. Its not an easy thing to do.)

I hope you continue to read my blogs as I share my journey on how I found forgiveness, joy, peace and love in my life. How I learned why I was a control freak and how my marriage has been restored! How everything I needed or wanted was right in front of me.  I will share the amazing experiences God gave me with speaking and traveling all over the U.S, London and Germany. How he gave me the opportunity to do a radio show, appear on PBS and be where I am today being a wife to my husband and homeschooling my kids!  At this point in my life, there is nowhere else I would rather be!   He placed so many incredible people in my path which has lead me to the place I am today. Looking at my life everything has changed and yet really nothing has except for me!

Living for Jesus will give you the meaning to your life that you have been searching for!

1 comment:

Sunday said...

That was a wonderful post Kim, I just love your honesty!

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