Saturday, November 6, 2010
The day I found out I was pregnant with Makenna, saved my life and changed the direction of it forever. Let me rewind a few months prior to finding out I was pregnant. During this time in my life, I was going through a major depression. I don't mean depression like I'm having a bad day, because I gained two pounds kind of of depression. I'm talking about can't get out of bed for days, crying and feeling so low about myself I actually thought and tried to end my life. Looking back now, I don't think I was trying to end my life. It was a cry for help. As desperate as it sounds, I was trying to get Mark’s attention and wanted him to realize how bad I was feeling. ( if you are going through a depression right now, please know this is not the answer and to get help. Don't be ashamed to get help)
I was really good at hiding how I was feeling from everyone. Everything looked great on the outside but inside I was seriously dying. My parents didn't have any idea because I wasn't living at home. My mom knew something was going on, but couldn't put her finger on it. Mark and I were just married and he really didn’t know what to.
I wasn't depressed because I had some awful childhood. I have great parents (not perfect) who I knew without a doubt they loved and to this day love me. The world got to me. I was comparing myself to other people, wanting what I didn't have, trying to please everyone, caring what everyone thought about me, feeling like a complete failure. ( I can get into this more, if you ever hear me speak!) I was trying to control everything in my life. The more I tried to control my life, the more my life spinned the opposite way. (this is another topic at another time too.) I lost my best friend a few years before that and the topper to all this was I was drinking way to much. Some people can handle drinking. Drinking and me just doesn't mix. At the time it did, because I was having a blast or at least thought I was. However, the more I drank, the more I would get out of control. Everyone knows I can have a big mouth, so you can imagine what it was like when I drank. I hurt many people who were close to me. After having this so called good time, I would find myself in bed for a least a day or two extremely depressed.
One day thankfully, my mom came over to visit. I couldn’t fool her anymore and she found me laying in bed crying non stop. I was able to get some help, but it wasn't the help I truly needed. The doctor put me on medication, which was just like putting a band aid on an open wound.
This was not easy for my husband or my parents to watch. They didn’t understand what was going on with me. How could they, I didn’t even understand myself at that time either. As much as they loved me there was nothing they could do except pray and that was exactly what my mom was doing.
A few months before I found out I was pregnant, was the icing on the cake. I was at a wedding and drank so much and was so out of control. I'll never forget looking across the room to my parents and husband and seeing the look in their eyes. I treated Mark horribly and was so embarrassed and mad at myself the next morning decided to take an entire bottle of pills. I just couldn’t get my act together. The more I messed up the worse I felt.
At this point you may be thinking why in the world would I be sharing such a personal story on my blog. Honestly, because God has placed it on my heart to share, teach and help others through my experiences and lessons he has taught and still is teaching me. Believe me there has been plenty and still are lessons I’m learning today!!
As my life seemed to be spinning of control, God sent me an angel from heaven for a daughter. She has truly been an amazing gift in so many ways. (her name means gift in Hawaiian) The day I found out I was pregnant I stopped all medication. ( I do not recommend that to anyone. Make sure you see a doctor) My whole body felt like it was going through major withdraws for the first few days. But thankfully, Makenna came into this world perfect with a wise and loving spirit. There truly isn't anyone like her.
The day I gave birth my life changed. No longer was I living a life for me. I wanted to give this baby girl the world. I knew the only way to do that was to change me. She changed me and I thank God every day for her and the meaning she has given my life. I pray that she grows up ( with the rest of my kids) to love me as much as I love my mom.
I'm so thankful God was able to get my attention and bless me with a beautiful daughter. I'm thankful that he began to open my eyes to what truly matters. I'm thankful that I no longer live for myself but for God. God is trying to get your attention, its up to you if you hear the message.
I haven’t been depressed since the day I found out I was pregnant! I truly believe it was the healing from God!
Next Blog will be about my son!