Wow! This past 1 1/2 has been like a roller coaster ride in my mind. Even though God has done some amazing things in my life, I found myself stuck once again. I've been in his word, prayer and making myself walk in fear even though I felt like hiding in a box. I know better but yet kept letting the devil attack my mind. I seriously found myself in tears the other day. Not because I'm not grateful. I see God's goodness in my life. I love the life he gave me. My kids, my marriage, my family and my church. The one thing I didn't like was myself. It's a battle I'm fighting still still this day. Those crazy thoughts I know are lies from the devil the only reason I was believing them was because deep down inside my heart I truly felt that way about myself. If I didn't then it wouldn't of bothered me. It was up to me to believe them or to tell them to go straigh to Hell. Yesterday, was the last straw. I will continue to be me, let God grow me and if people don't like me, then I don't know what to say. I don't lknow if you have ever felt like this, but one of my fears is the body of Christ. ( I will blog more on this later) Crazy I know!
I'm not blaming the body of Christ becasue it is and was my problem. Even though I know the only approval you need is God's but I was still looking for it from man from my sister's and brother's in Christ. I think sometimes people look at the outer apperance of others instead of their heart. To make judgements way to fast about people. I know I've done it too. I'm not perfect. Sometimes people don't take the time to really get to know someone becasue if they did they would find a wounded heart, a heart that is still healing, wounds that are still bleeding. As much as I knew what God said about me, my husband, my kids and even my parents, I still needed more. Chasing and longing from the approval of man. Why? I don't need it and probably will never get it. God placed people in my life that have encouraged me but still I wanted it from people that coudn't see it! As a kid one of my issues was wanting what I couldn't have. As an adult, I was looking for approval from people who will never give it to me. I could either sit in despair and let that control me, take my passion away and not fully living a wild life for Jesus. The pain was real, the tears were real and I almost through my arms up in the air and said forget this. I'm just not good enough and never will be!
Here is the good news. We will never be good enough! God works in our weakness. When we depend on him, believe him and continue to walk in him, he get's the glory. My sisters we cannot let our own insecurityies stop us from the promises of God. The beauty of all this is that I seriously had to rely on God for everything. Looking at me from the outside someone might of thought I had it all going on but they were so wrong. We have to know it in our hearts how much he loves us, we were made in his image and it doesn't matter what our past was or what other's think of us. God knows your heart, your love ones and closest friends know your heart and that's all that matters. We don't have to prove ourself to nobody. God knows how I live my life everyday. He knows Mark and I are not living a double life. In HIS time, he will give me the chance to Glorify him.
It's our duty to love the church, doesn't mean we have to be people pleasers and we may not agree or like everyone, but we are called to love and have grace for one another. I've learned from my own pain to make sure I look for the good in people. Not to focus on their faults becasue believe me they already know what is wrong with them. Why do they need to be reminded of it! It's my job to encourage ,to love and to see my brother's and sister's in christ the way God see's them. If we do that when the unbelievers look at us, they will see the light of Christ.
Living a life for God will not mean life will not be a roller coaster ride becasue it will. You will do turns and twists and go down hills but if you hang out to God, his word and know how he see's you, you will come up that hill faster and brighter than you were before! Don't let other's stop you from the ride of your life!