Here I am in Love with God more than I ever have been in my life, studying his word and living for him. Yet, insecurity still haunts me. God has helped me overcome many obstacles in my life, set me free from strongholds, made me take a deeper look at myself, healed my marriage, basically changed my life from the inside out. So, why then do I still struggle with the thoughts of not good enough and afraid of failing God.
As God has been working on me, I felt the calling to women's ministry a few years ago. Though, God told me it wasn't time yet, to keep learning. Recently, I have been feeling him tugging at my heart telling me its time to start. I've been using different excuses but he keeps telling me its time to move forward! I'm so fired up on the calling on my life. I love learning about God, teaching and sharing Jesus with women. Even though I may know these things in the deepest part of my heart, the minuet I walk outside my house or in a church, I feel so unworthy. I've had the discussion with God many times and maybe you have had the same talk. Why me? Why did you make me the way I am? Why did you make me so different? At times, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Did you have to give me such a big mouth! (Thankful he has helped me learn how to use it for Good because for years all it did was get me in trouble!)
I think he has gotten tired of my baby fits and whining! The enemy wants us to feed our insecurities because it takes us away from the promises God wants for our life. God keeps telling me and he is telling you the same if you just listen, he loves us, he delights in us! He have gifted each one of us for a reason and for his purposes. I have to keep remembering that and to be thankful the way he made me even if others around me might not like it! He will keep working on me and changing me as he wants to. Until then God has told me its time to get a move on!
Here I am! Despite all doubts and struggles I have I am learning to accept his gifts, the calling on my life and to know its not arrogant or prideful to know who you are in Christ. God has opened a door to begin a women's group at a local library. I don't know what his plans are, if it is to teach me humility because nobody showed up this week! Is it to trust him and just start walking? Is it to help me focus each week on different topics so I can dive deeper in his word? Is it so I keep giving all my insecurities over to him? I believe yes to all the questions. I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this to Glorify my God. Everyone has a beginning and God says if we stay faithful, walk by faith and not by sight and do good with what he has given us then more will come. My heart is to help other women just like me.